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He Sees You

Today, I suddenly remembered a word I was given many years ago and it may be encouraging for some of you. Let’s rewind ten years. My Mum had just announced she was divorcing my Dad and I decided to spend Christmas anywhere other than home. My then boyfriend (now husband) said, ‘Great, where are we going?’ He decided to join me.

I really wanted to go to New York and it was far enough away from England to switch off. So we booked our flights and a place to stay. On Christmas Day, we ice skated in Central Park, ate a buffet lunch with lots of others in a beautiful church (the name escapes me), went up to the top of the Empire State Building, and watched the sun go down with a cocktail from the top of the Rockerfeller Center. We put up fairy lights and listened to Frank Sinatra, we talked and wandered around the city, with it’s magical lights and sharp air. I don’t think I’ve ever felt freer. It was, apart from the underlying emotions I was dealing with, perfect. 

The memories of those four days drift back into my mind from time to time, and they bring a smile to my face. But there is one memory, in particular, that has really stayed with me. We went to Times Square Church on the Sunday Evening. It’s in a huge old theatre and we were up at the back. I don’t remember the message, but after the service we made our way down to the entrance and I looked up, noticing a man watching me. He stood watching me for a while and then disappeared. I felt a bit unnerved, especially when he reappeared right in front of me! Initially, I wanted to walk away but he had a message for me, and one that helps me time and time again.

He said he had watched me from the balcony above, and he felt the Lord telling him to tell me that, just has his son Jesus had looked up and saw Zacchaeus in Luke 19, and told him to come down because he would stay at his house, Jesus wanted to say to me that he sees me, that has not forgotten me or forsaken me and that he wants to come to my house that day and spend time with me.

I was so blown away. The guy speaking to me was a gentle men with a French accent. I have no idea who he was but the Lord used him to bring me comfort. It must have taken boldness on his part. Those words smashed right through the pain and turmoil that I was feeling as my family began to fall apart, and they reminded me that it is Jesus who we need to spend time with, it is he who comforts and heals, and he does not forget us. In our pain he reaches out and takes our hand.

So, today these words are for you: He has not forgotten you. He sees you. He is there for you. 

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Our God is Greater

Our God is Greater. As I worship, everything is put into perspective. All of the cares of this world wash away and I taste heaven for a few moments. I want to stay in his presence. He calls us to be in the world, but not of it. He wants us here so that he can brings glimpses of heaven to people here on earth. Through our brokenness, he wants to bless others and to fill us with his spirit. Amazingly, he longs to use us as vessels of his grace and mercy. The more I worship, the less I worry, the less I fear and the more I love. There is nothing in this world that I love more than to worship him, and I have moments when I worship where I get a glimpse of what it will be like when we can worship him in Eternity. Just a glimpse, but it’s enough.

 

 

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Hello again…

Well, it’s been nearly 2 years! I’m really sorry to anyone who was following. I can’t really give a reason why I failed to keep this going. I have dipped into your blogs over the months, but I felt it was time to return. Welcome to any new readers!

Several issues have been rattling through my mind this week. Well, two.

Firstly, the awful news of the crisis in Iraq. The Middle East looks increasingly unstable and the news has been hard to swallow, but God has been reminding me that there will be trouble in the world but that he has overcome it. I’m finding his promises so hard to believe at the moment in the face of such awful suffering. Our brothers and sisters in Christ are being persecuted around the world and I feel two things: Guilt for the fact that we can live safely and in relative peace in the West, at the moment! And fear that the persecution will spread. There have been recent reports that militant Islam is on the rise in Europe, where I live. I hear some Christians saying that persecution will increase until Jesus returns. I find it all terrifying. I still don’t know what I believe in terms of the eschatological facts. Do we get taken up pre-tribulation, after or during. I don’t know and no one else seems sure, either. I need to ask these questions, even if there are no answers. All I do know is that God is still sovereign. And he gently reminds me that perfect love casts out all fear, and that we will not know the day or the hour but we must watch the seasons. He has been gracious in his words – there will be wars and rumours of wars, but the end is not yet.

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And we must not be alarmed. But it’s so hard, in the fact of such oppression, not to feel it acutely. It has been difficult to know how much to speak about it on social media because people get offended. They don’t want to know if it does not directly affect them, but the bible tells us that we should be affected by it and we are to pray without ceasing. I feel so angry about the evil behind the behaviour of the militants, yet I feel pain for their delusional belief that they are right and for the fact that they are, ultimately, lost. This feels as though it is a safe place to write down how I feel about it all.

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The second issue goes back to trusting God for his promises. He gave me a powerful dream nearly 20 years ago, and nine years before my parents divorced, that my family would be burned down but that he would restore it. I was shocked but hopeful. The mistake I made was to believe that the burning down lay in the divorce. It has been so much worse since them. You see, my Dad became a Christian when I was 5 years old. Neither of my parents were believers when they married, and when he was converted the most almighty battle ensued. Dad would put a sign of the fish sticker on the back of the car. Mum would rip it off. It was painful for me to watch as a child. He read us bible verses and prayed. My Mum screamed at him and at us. At the time it was how things were. It’s only now that I realise how abusive my home life was in terms of conflict and emotional manipulation. It was tough. And it was awful. I remember thinking that if I could keep my head down and get out all would be OK. It is since I have left home that God has begun the healing process in my life.

I now have a wonderful husband whose life has been steady and unruffled. He is steady and unruffled. My life has been a roller-coaster of early neglect, manipulation, depression, long-term illness and parental divorce. I currently live miles from family and old friends. God has put me through fire. I think he does it to all of us in different ways.

I struggle now to believe him for the salvation of my sister and my Mum. I have lost hope. Both have been heavily involved in spiritualism and are violent and aggressive. I have no contact with my sister, who is my only sibling. The details are too awful to relay.

But, when I ask God why, he doesn’t stay silent. When I ask why some lives are smooth and some are bumpy, he graciously reminds me that it is for a purpose. I have recently read in several places that your greatest ministry will come out of your greatest pain. download

 

I’ve felt a calling into ministry for about 10 years but, as with end times, the time is not yet. I am still writing. And I pray and wait. I sense that it might be a ministry to women who are suffering, to bring healing and to raise women into ministry. My main passions are evangelism and teaching. I love to speak to people who know nothing about Jesus and I really enjoy learning and digging deeper into his word and sharing it with others. The future will possibly involve writing and teaching. But the one thing I do know is that God has a plan, he is faithful, his timing is perfect, he is on the throne, and he is gracious.

So when I say I’ve lost hope, also know that his ways are higher and, although I don’t understand suffering in my own life and in the lives of others, I know that he allows everything for a purpose and he never leaves us. He is faithful in keeping his promises, even when I find them really difficult to believe.

 

My posts have been thin on the ground because I am in the process of publishing my first book. I haven’t forgotten anyone or your lovely blogs. Yes, I wrote a book! I can’t believe it either and I’m really excited about it. For those of you who are interested, I’ll keep you posted. It’s my first fiction novel and has been considerably harder than writing a blog! Through this process I have been able to express a creative part of me that has been unlocked somehow through God’s grace. He has given me words to describe events that I think need to be told……more to come…..

On a different note I felt compelled to respond to the shocking news of the shootings in France. I think the impact of the savagery of this act is harder hitting because there were small children involved. I and many others I am sure are reeling from the news. It is not often that the news leaves such a bitter feeling of injustice. It’s hard to find the best outlet when something so shocking has occurred but I wanted to write a post here. Maybe some of you can share some of your thoughts here too.

As I scan the news and ask the ultimate question of ‘why?’ I am reminded that the bible tells us that the days are evil, therefore we are to make the most of every opportunity and to live wisely. Hard, isn’t it? I know I don’t always live wisely, although I try and I’m sure I don’t make the most of every opportunity. But that is our call as sons and daughters of the living God.

I feel anger and pain for the little girls who had to watch their parents brutally killed, the older of the two was also attacked horrifically and the youngest was left hiding beneath her lifeless mother. As mother myself this image shocks me to the core. I can’t describe the feelings that have poured through my heart in the last few hours. Where will they go? How will they get through this? How could this happen? Why? Who?

Yet ,we are reminded through the evil of this world to pray, pray hard for the lost, pray for those innocent girls and to be his light in a dark world. The days are numbered and we are ambassadors of his truth, we are light, we are his grace in a world that is crying out for a saviour.

Friends I ask you tonight to pray for those precious girls, for God’s peace and for his healing hand on their lives. Pray and press into his words that as the darkness increases, so too does the light and his goodness. Let us be part of the answer, let us walk wisely and do good so that people will see that he is good.

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