Well, it’s been nearly 2 years! I’m really sorry to anyone who was following. I can’t really give a reason why I failed to keep this going. I have dipped into your blogs over the months, but I felt it was time to return. Welcome to any new readers!

Several issues have been rattling through my mind this week. Well, two.

Firstly, the awful news of the crisis in Iraq. The Middle East looks increasingly unstable and the news has been hard to swallow, but God has been reminding me that there will be trouble in the world but that he has overcome it. I’m finding his promises so hard to believe at the moment in the face of such awful suffering. Our brothers and sisters in Christ are being persecuted around the world and I feel two things: Guilt for the fact that we can live safely and in relative peace in the West, at the moment! And fear that the persecution will spread. There have been recent reports that militant Islam is on the rise in Europe, where I live. I hear some Christians saying that persecution will increase until Jesus returns. I find it all terrifying. I still don’t know what I believe in terms of the eschatological facts. Do we get taken up pre-tribulation, after or during. I don’t know and no one else seems sure, either. I need to ask these questions, even if there are no answers. All I do know is that God is still sovereign. And he gently reminds me that perfect love casts out all fear, and that we will not know the day or the hour but we must watch the seasons. He has been gracious in his words – there will be wars and rumours of wars, but the end is not yet.

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And we must not be alarmed. But it’s so hard, in the fact of such oppression, not to feel it acutely. It has been difficult to know how much to speak about it on social media because people get offended. They don’t want to know if it does not directly affect them, but the bible tells us that we should be affected by it and we are to pray without ceasing. I feel so angry about the evil behind the behaviour of the militants, yet I feel pain for their delusional belief that they are right and for the fact that they are, ultimately, lost. This feels as though it is a safe place to write down how I feel about it all.

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The second issue goes back to trusting God for his promises. He gave me a powerful dream nearly 20 years ago, and nine years before my parents divorced, that my family would be burned down but that he would restore it. I was shocked but hopeful. The mistake I made was to believe that the burning down lay in the divorce. It has been so much worse since them. You see, my Dad became a Christian when I was 5 years old. Neither of my parents were believers when they married, and when he was converted the most almighty battle ensued. Dad would put a sign of the fish sticker on the back of the car. Mum would rip it off. It was painful for me to watch as a child. He read us bible verses and prayed. My Mum screamed at him and at us. At the time it was how things were. It’s only now that I realise how abusive my home life was in terms of conflict and emotional manipulation. It was tough. And it was awful. I remember thinking that if I could keep my head down and get out all would be OK. It is since I have left home that God has begun the healing process in my life.

I now have a wonderful husband whose life has been steady and unruffled. He is steady and unruffled. My life has been a roller-coaster of early neglect, manipulation, depression, long-term illness and parental divorce. I currently live miles from family and old friends. God has put me through fire. I think he does it to all of us in different ways.

I struggle now to believe him for the salvation of my sister and my Mum. I have lost hope. Both have been heavily involved in spiritualism and are violent and aggressive. I have no contact with my sister, who is my only sibling. The details are too awful to relay.

But, when I ask God why, he doesn’t stay silent. When I ask why some lives are smooth and some are bumpy, he graciously reminds me that it is for a purpose. I have recently read in several places that your greatest ministry will come out of your greatest pain. download

 

I’ve felt a calling into ministry for about 10 years but, as with end times, the time is not yet. I am still writing. And I pray and wait. I sense that it might be a ministry to women who are suffering, to bring healing and to raise women into ministry. My main passions are evangelism and teaching. I love to speak to people who know nothing about Jesus and I really enjoy learning and digging deeper into his word and sharing it with others. The future will possibly involve writing and teaching. But the one thing I do know is that God has a plan, he is faithful, his timing is perfect, he is on the throne, and he is gracious.

So when I say I’ve lost hope, also know that his ways are higher and, although I don’t understand suffering in my own life and in the lives of others, I know that he allows everything for a purpose and he never leaves us. He is faithful in keeping his promises, even when I find them really difficult to believe.

 

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